So ever since the NBA Draft the Bulls have become the most boring team in the professional sports. Even the Pittsburgh Pirates had Nate McLouth gun down someone at home plate in the All-Star Game, a much more exciting moment then Derrick Rose's MRI. I mean seriously have you looked at their roster? It's absolutely dreadful and full of boring players. Here's some suggestions I have to get some buzz going in the franchise.
10. Insult Chris Duhon in the media
Now that Ricky O'Donnell's favorite ex-Bull is now a Knick wouldn't it be fun for one of Duhon's old teammates to stir up some good old controversy and talk about Duhon being lazy or some other comment to gain some media attention? I nominate Cedric Simmons to do it because it would be even funnier coming from a no-name scrub who spent the second half of one season at the end of the bench.
www.nba.com/media/bulls/matadors_030919.jpg
9. Leak the trailer to the proposed Matadors movie
So now that there might be a movie starring Chicago's beloved fat and dancing bulls fans wouldn't now be a perfect time to make some sort of fake movie trailer? I mean the summer is slow besides baseball and NFL training camp, couldn't they produce this in a week and get it all over ESPN and the internet?
8. Sign a wise, old center
Every contending team seems to have that over-the-hill there for wisdom center who improbably makes a difference during the season. So I motion that we sign Dikembe Mutombo. If we can't get him then I motion for Kevin Willis. If we can't get him then I motion for Robert Parish. Hell we already brought the chief on once for a title run, why not again.
7. Give a big name restricted free agent an offer sheet
I know, I know we have no cap room to sign max deals and the like but we do have the fantastic NBA cap breaker known as the mid-level exception. Wouldn't it be hilarious if we just decided to offer Emeka Okafor $5 million a year instead of the near max deal he seeks just to secretly tell him, "Hey Emeka, you suck. Stop wasting every GM's time by asking for this nonsense, here's what you're really worth."
6. Send Kirk Hinrich to the D-League
Kirk if you can't guard NBA point guards then you might as well start guarding JamesOn in practice everyday. It's pretty big news in baseball when guys like Jeff Francour get sent to the minors to shape up, why not a big name NBA player who needs a little kick in the butt.
5. Get an enforcer
There is nobody that is tough on the Bulls except Rose. If we were to get in a brawl next season we would be totally screwed. That's why we need to trade for Artest or at least pick up someone with a little street cred. Larry Hughes used to be tough but now he would rather roll around St. Louis with the St. Lunatics and hit up strip clubs. We need another Oakley.
4. Start a reality show
Speaking of Larry Hughes wouldn't he Andres Nocioni and Aaron Gray make a perfect reality show. If you are a fan of basketball there is no way you wouldn't watch this show. I mean this is like the sports version of the surreal life only with players that actually accomplished something. On a side note wouldn't an NBA surreal life be incredible? Harold Minor, Luke Jackson and Nikolaz Tsitisvilli would form a great start. (Editor's Note: The ideal picture I wanted to use here is a little too risque for TTCS but I will say it involves Larry Hughes, two scantily clad ladies and a shirt that says, "I (heart) strippers.")
3. Do SOMETHING with Ben Gordon and Luol Deng
Since Paxson is stalling on doing any other moves until he signs these two we are in for a dreadfully uneventful summer filled with reports on Derrick Rose's knee and driving habits. Either sign them, trade them.... something. C'mon Pax.
2. Announce a game at Wrigley Field
Hell it worked for the Blackhawks, why not the Bulls. Imagine an outdoor NBA game, especially in Wrigleyville. I mean it would be awesome. It would be a huge party for the entire day, which is why the Hawks game will be that much better. The Wrigley bars should just pull an all-nighter New Year's Eve/Day for the game right? Can't the city let the ordinance slide for this momentous occasion.
1. Sign Shawn Kemp
Dear Chicago Bulls,
If you want to make every twenty-something, including me, a season ticket holder you will bring the Reign Man on board. He can train Tyrus Thomas to dunk, do drugs with Larry Hughes, eat at buffets with Aaron Gray and so much more. The latest trend is the comeback story on Shawn Kemp, so make it happen Pax.
10. Insult Chris Duhon in the media
Now that Ricky O'Donnell's favorite ex-Bull is now a Knick wouldn't it be fun for one of Duhon's old teammates to stir up some good old controversy and talk about Duhon being lazy or some other comment to gain some media attention? I nominate Cedric Simmons to do it because it would be even funnier coming from a no-name scrub who spent the second half of one season at the end of the bench.
www.nba.com/media/9. Leak the trailer to the proposed Matadors movie
So now that there might be a movie starring Chicago's beloved fat and dancing bulls fans wouldn't now be a perfect time to make some sort of fake movie trailer? I mean the summer is slow besides baseball and NFL training camp, couldn't they produce this in a week and get it all over ESPN and the internet?
8. Sign a wise, old center
Every contending team seems to have that over-the-hill there for wisdom center who improbably makes a difference during the season. So I motion that we sign Dikembe Mutombo. If we can't get him then I motion for Kevin Willis. If we can't get him then I motion for Robert Parish. Hell we already brought the chief on once for a title run, why not again.
7. Give a big name restricted free agent an offer sheet
I know, I know we have no cap room to sign max deals and the like but we do have the fantastic NBA cap breaker known as the mid-level exception. Wouldn't it be hilarious if we just decided to offer Emeka Okafor $5 million a year instead of the near max deal he seeks just to secretly tell him, "Hey Emeka, you suck. Stop wasting every GM's time by asking for this nonsense, here's what you're really worth."
6. Send Kirk Hinrich to the D-League
Kirk if you can't guard NBA point guards then you might as well start guarding JamesOn in practice everyday. It's pretty big news in baseball when guys like Jeff Francour get sent to the minors to shape up, why not a big name NBA player who needs a little kick in the butt.
5. Get an enforcer
There is nobody that is tough on the Bulls except Rose. If we were to get in a brawl next season we would be totally screwed. That's why we need to trade for Artest or at least pick up someone with a little street cred. Larry Hughes used to be tough but now he would rather roll around St. Louis with the St. Lunatics and hit up strip clubs. We need another Oakley.
4. Start a reality show
Speaking of Larry Hughes wouldn't he Andres Nocioni and Aaron Gray make a perfect reality show. If you are a fan of basketball there is no way you wouldn't watch this show. I mean this is like the sports version of the surreal life only with players that actually accomplished something. On a side note wouldn't an NBA surreal life be incredible? Harold Minor, Luke Jackson and Nikolaz Tsitisvilli would form a great start. (Editor's Note: The ideal picture I wanted to use here is a little too risque for TTCS but I will say it involves Larry Hughes, two scantily clad ladies and a shirt that says, "I (heart) strippers.")
3. Do SOMETHING with Ben Gordon and Luol Deng
Since Paxson is stalling on doing any other moves until he signs these two we are in for a dreadfully uneventful summer filled with reports on Derrick Rose's knee and driving habits. Either sign them, trade them.... something. C'mon Pax.
2. Announce a game at Wrigley Field
Hell it worked for the Blackhawks, why not the Bulls. Imagine an outdoor NBA game, especially in Wrigleyville. I mean it would be awesome. It would be a huge party for the entire day, which is why the Hawks game will be that much better. The Wrigley bars should just pull an all-nighter New Year's Eve/Day for the game right? Can't the city let the ordinance slide for this momentous occasion.
1. Sign Shawn Kemp
Dear Chicago Bulls,
If you want to make every twenty-something, including me, a season ticket holder you will bring the Reign Man on board. He can train Tyrus Thomas to dunk, do drugs with Larry Hughes, eat at buffets with Aaron Gray and so much more. The latest trend is the comeback story on Shawn Kemp, so make it happen Pax.
4 comments:
Great post...some thoughts:
Insulting Duhon is fun, but even better when put in perspective of how the Knicks have become a Bulls trash heap. To best demonstrate this, the Bulls should gather footage of Jamal Crawford, Eddy Curry and Duhon collectively sucking it up for the pitiful Knicks and run it with the slogan "We don't play like that." There is no better way to show we are no longer the team of second rate talent.
Signing Mutombo would be awesome. The Rockets may have been better with him starting instead of Yao. What a gamer.
We have an enforcer. He is just lanky. Tyrus is a bad boy. He will throw down. (i.e. his scuffle with Troy Murphy).
And I've developed your reality TV show pitch. Rose, Joakim, Tyrus, Gray and JamesOn have bonded so well in Summer League that the youngsters decide to move into Rose's childhood home for the season. Mama Rose lovingly takes care of all of them. "Rose Buds" coming to you this fall.
eddie,
thanks for taking the time to respond.
I love the Knicks as a team idea, that would be hilarious because I hate that franchise.
Tyrus doesn't care enough (or isn't crazy enough??) to back up his teammates though which was the main point. We can't have Rose knocked on his ass with no redemption.
and if there IS a reality show Larry Hughes has to be involved, otherwise like where your heads at
Well for starters, we could bring back Krause, and send Pax to the D-leauge for a couple of players and a 1967 chevy van. Or how about Reinsdorf contacting Phil about working in the front office setting up afternoon yoga sessions.
bring back Krause? What are you nuts? He was clearly over his head and past his time after 1998 with all of his horrible draft picks and signings and worst of all head coach hirings
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