This is our Top Ten Sports Figures (past and present) that need a swift kick to the balls for ruining all we love about Chicago Sports. I apologize for the length.

10. Billy Koch Maybe the single worst closer in the history of the White Sox, Koch blew more saves than my slut of an ex-girlfriend blew frat boys in college (which was a lot). Koch went from a solid closer- saving 144 games in four years with the Blue Jays and A’s, to becoming an average high school pitcher with an era of 5.77 and 5.40 in ’03 and ’04 respectively, while saving only 19 games in those two years combined. To top it off, he made $4.25 million. Another thing that makes me want to beat the living piss out of him is that fucking thing on his chin. Go drink some herbal tea and go fuck yourself and your untreatable disease with your oozing skin and uncontrollable twitching. But seriously, I hope you and your family get better.

9. Rex Grossman Grossman deserves a beat down for his amazing ability to throw a pick at the worst possible time during a game. His incredible inconsistency throughout his career takes precedent over the fact that he made a Super Bowl. That inconsistency creates frustration with the fans because Grossman has shown glimpses of glory, but then plays like a frightened child who is lost at the Super Market. These are the reasons why Grossman deserves a pounding. Plus, he lost a Super Bowl… coward.

8. Steve Bartman I feel bad putting this up here because I really don’t blame him for what happened, but for the sake of all Cubs fans who do… Bartman, you are the biggest piece of shit on the planet. If it wasn’t for your catastrophic mistake of reaching for a fall ball and knocking it out of Moises Alou’s piss soaked hands, the Cubs might have made it to and won the World Series. But the real reason I really want to beat the piss out of you is because you coached The Renegades, one of my rival baseball teams I played against in junior high. Thanks for blowing my hopes and dreams as a child and for never allowing me to see my Cubs win a World Series.

7. Mike McCaskey McCaskey destroyed the Bears of the 80’s, fired Da’ Coach (“Iron” Mike), hired Dave Wannstedt to replace him, is a cheap asshole that won’t sign anybody valuable, demands extreme and ridiculous prices for tickets and beer and is a cumguzzler. McCaskey deserves a pitchfork to the thigh and a sledgehammer to the head. Please add your comments in the box provided below to continue to corn-hole Mike and his family.

6. Ronnie “Woo Woo” Mr. “Woo Woo” makes one of the only things left sacred in sports, a game at Wrigley Field, almost unbearable. His homeless-drunk “Woo Woo” is peachy until about the second inning when it becomes chalkboard scratching to my ears. I am absolutely pissed that the Cubs actually bought Ronnie a deluxe apartment in the sky and didn’t let him freeze like a survivor from “Alive”. I wish a pack of hungry homeless people had eaten old Ronnie instead!

5. A.J. Pierzynski This chinless prick has been designated by Major League Baseball players as the number one target for a 95 MPH fastball between the numbers. Pierzynski’s arrogant attitude and scuffle with Michael Barrett, has made him the personification of evil to all Northsiders. Pierzynski is just like one of those guys in high school who thinks he is way cooler than he really is and it makes you want to shove a fork in his eye to make him see straight. Pierzynski has a major case of loser denial and someone needs to beat the piss out of him to make him realize that fact.

4. Ryan “The Dumpster” Dempster The reason the Cubs barely won the Central last year. Dempster consistently and horrifically blew game after game in the most critical times. He might be the least clutch player in the history of Cubs baseball (most clutch obviously being Gary Gaetti). But what really grinds my gears is his red fucking gotee and his pussy demeanor. When he is getting interviewed you can tell by looking into his eyes there is just vast and open space. There is nothing to this idiot and he just doesn't get what the Cubs and his horrific actions mean to this City. Die!

3. Jay Mariotti The King of all the “never played a sport in my life” sports writers. He is the single quickest writer to build a player up and then tear a player down. He praises the living hell out of you with the first sign of promise and then turns his back on you just as fast if you do not meet that potential right away. I want to beat his ass because he is a great writer and destroys his often elegant articles with uninformed and outlandish thoughts. He will make brash conclusions about players without ever interviewing them or players around them (ie. #5 on the list). Mariotti needs to take the time and actually do the research a journalist of his clout needs to.

2. Chip Carey Carey will make any list of mine that is negative. His incredibly dreadful broadcasts of Cubs games shamed all the wonderfully drunk work that his grandfather did for so many years. Boring, nerdy and annoying, Carey is the dork in high school that is trying to prove that he has become cool at the ten-year reunion. I would do anything to give him the swirly he deserves. Face it Carey, you are a miserable broadcaster and terrible human being. I can only pray that you will be stricken with some terrible throat disease that will take you off all televisions sets forever.

1. Sammy Sosa Sosa is a complete joke of a human being. He panders to little kids while misplaying routine fly balls and missing cutoff men. Sosa’s extreme disregard for the game of baseball and all that is holy about it makes me want to shove a shish kabob skewer up his steroid induced-shriveled johnson. His inability to speak English might be cute to the mommies’ of the little ones Sosa gives googly eyes to (total pedophile), but not with us, true baseball fans, who are not humored by his lack of hustle and complete indifference to baseball situations which simply call for getting the ball in play. Instead, he chooses too swing out of his ass and strike out. Sosa is a total and complete douche and deserves a knife to the chest.

Honorable Mentions
Ben Wallace, Ken “Hawk” Harrelson, Cade McNown, Michael Barrett, Joaquim Noah