Some might say a decent ball club. Others might say the front office to run it. And still others might say 100 half naked women bouncing around selling beer and corn dogs. I, on the other hand believe the following list is what Wrigley Field needs.

10. Drunk Tank. Not to be confussed as a holding compound for over served, slightly intoxicated, half naked men and women.The Drunk Tank will be a 500-gallon glass container positioned just under the center field scoreboard that is filled with the coldest Old Style the city has to offer. Those lucky enough to gain access to The Drunk Tank will be those whom catch Cubbie homerun balls, throw back opponents homers or the Bleacher Creature whom fans select as the biggest fan for a game. *Note: The biggest fan for any game will always be the sexiest female.

9. Seat walls. These new inventions will be retractable walls that, after pressing a button on the edge of the seat, will raise from the concrete on both sides to block you from the seats to your left and right and the seat directly infront of your seat. These walls will allow for quick urination without waitng in line at the real bathroom. All waste will be sent to a holding bay beneath the field itself and after being mixed with Lake Michigan water, will be used as fertilizer to keep the grass at The Friendly Confines green and glowing. *Not sure if the urine or all the miscellaneous material found in said lake will be the major purpose for the grass glowing.

8. A Sound Tunage system. This new and important device will be put to use everyday during the seventh inning stretch when whatever tone deaf Cubs fan is singing the song that Harry made famous. With this addition, everytime the middle of the seventh comes around, whomever is singing will sound like Neil-Fuckin'-Diamond singing anything. Roseanne Barr, this device doesn't mean that it's OK for you to perform again. We're still hurting from the song that you butchered a couple two-tree years back, bitch.

7. An owner who gives a shit about the fans. We've seen the past, and it didn't work. We're living the present, and it hasn't worked yet either. But the future, oh the glorious future, might just have an owner whom gives more back to the fans than caring how they can make an extra twenty-five cents for every mustard covered pretzel sold to children between the ages of 6-12. *Thanx Trib. Mark Cuban wants the Cubbies to be his. Let him have 'em. He'd most likely use his own cash to pay the players that he wants on his team. He'd celebrate the fact there are 100's of thousands of people who love his Loveable Losers and reward us for that by getting a team together to win the championship for the next decade. And the crazy some-bitch, who'd sit with the true bleeders of Cubbie blue in the bleachers, would say thanks by buying beers for everybody during the sixth inning. *The inning before they cut off beer sales.


6. An even playing field. No, I'm in no way suggesting that operators of entrance turnstyles allow a certain number of Cubs fans access to the Friendly Confines so that the opposing teams fans can gain entry. I'm simply suggestint that you fix that fuckin' outfield that is filled with tiny pits, ditches and moats. On off days, or when the club is on a road trip, soak the outfield with the urine/Lake Michigan mixture spoke about in #9 and roll it, continuously, until it's flat agin. *Enough with the concerts in the ball park. Thanx Jimmy and Sting.

5. Ticket prices that don't continue to change. Reading the ticket prices is like trying to figure out who the hell will be playing in the BCS Championship each January. Let's see. Club box tickets go for $18, unless we're in July, then it's $36, but $36 only if it's a weekday. Because if it's a weekend in July, the price jumps to $45. After that, we've got the field box ticket which goes for $40, unless we're in April, because if it's April, the ticket will cost you $30, unless, of course, it's a day game, that's when the price drops to $15. To be a bleacher creature and sit past the Ivy, it'll cost ya' $12, but only for games nobody gives a shit about. For games that might eventually mean something the dent in your wallet jumps to $24 and $30 for games that REALLY mean something. For the love of Fuck. Why is buying a ticket for a Cubs game harder than getting a degree from Columbia? *The Liberal Arts School in Chicago not the other Columbia in New York.

3. Great give away days. Oh yeah, I've spent $30 for a seat in the bleachers against the Reds, two-tree cold ones, a dog with it all and an order of nacho's. Hey, the Cubs lost 6-4, I had a nice seat and I got a free 1/50 size plastic replica of Andre Dawson! What a well spent C-note. Now, after the game, I'm taking the Lincoln Park Trixie I met in line for beer to Murphy's to see if we can drown our sorrows of the lose in more cold beer and maybe, just maybe, go back to her place and bang the sadness outta each other. But wait, since I've spent all my cash, I have no resources to purchase anything to help not produce a child with the pretty little blonde I'm leaving with. What to do? Hey, Cub-suits, Wrigley is the best fuckin' pick-up joint in the city. More singles, and even some married folk I'm sure, have hooked up while watching a game at Wrigley. That's why it's called the friendly confines, right? How's about givin' out some free condoms every now and again? Sure, the 1/50 size "Hawk" that's sitting on my desk top is nice, but the 6-year-old running through the house might always try to bust his head off.

2. It's all about the broadcasters. We've had "Hey Hey" Brickhouse ('41-'45, '47-'81), "I don't care who wins, as long as it's the Cubs" Wilson ('44-'55), "Holy Mackerel" Llyod ('55-'86), "Holy Cow" Caray ('82-'97) and "This ball's got a chaaaance..GONE" Hughes ('96-present). Pat Hughes has got to be one of, if not the best, broadcaster in the league today, lets give the booth to Hughes and Ronnie. Gotta be better than Kasper and Brenly, no?

1. This one is simple. It's 2008, 100-years since the last time we came home and rang that victory bell. Shit, it's been so damn long, that victory bell has rusted out and been blown away in the Chicago wind. Lets bring one home for the boys. "Hey Hey!" that sounds like a plan. Lets get it done. "Holy Cow" wouldn't it be somethin'?