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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Top Ten Quotes from Major League

In honor of Opening Day coming up so very soon, we decided to take a look at the ten best quotes from the movie 'Major League'. Normally I'd write some lengthy introduction here to set up the list, but for a movie that ranks among the best ever made in terms of the sports genre, I'm confident I can just shut the hell up and get on with it.


Jake Taylor: I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this shit at least you could've said you were from the Yankees.

Ed. Note: Jake took this call in some motel in Mexico wearing a sombrero on his head and some random woman in his bed. If I had a dollar for every time that's happened to me, I'd be broke.


Harry Doyle: The Duke led the American League this year in saves, ERA and hit batsmen. This guy once threw at his own kid in a father son game.

Ed. Note: While they probably aren't very proud to admit it, there's definitely one or two fathers out there that have thrown a little chin music in their kid's direction.


Lou Brown: Nice catch Hayes. Don't ever fuckin' do it again.

Ed. Note: Willie Mays Hayes, played by Wesley Snipes, had just made a basket catch out in center field and seemed thrilled with himself until ol' Lou Brown had something to say about it.


Heywood: Going somewhere meat?

Willie Mays Hayes: About 90 feet.

Ed. Note: Probably one of the greatest comebacks in the history of baseball movies. And just in case you're confused, Willie Mays Hayes never got arrested. Wesley Snipes did.


Charlie Donovan: How would you like to manage the Indians this year?

Lou Brown: Gee, I don't know...

Charlie Donovan: What do you mean, you don't know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.

Lou Brown: Let me get back to you, will ya Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

Ed. Note: I'm not sure if they could have picked a better person than James Gammon to play the part of Lou Brown. The classic, easy going, I don't give a shit what you think attitude was played to perfection.


Rick Vaughn: What's that shit on your chest?

Eddie Harris: Crisco

Eddie Harris: Bardol

Eddie Harris: Vagisil. Any one of 'em will give you another two to three inches drop on your curveball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I'll rub a little jalapeno up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up I just rub my nose.

Rick Vaughn: You put snot on the ball?

Eddie Harris: I haven't got an arm like you kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.

Ed. Note: Has anyone else ever truly defined the term 'crafty vet' as much as Eddie Harris? (As a little league pitcher, the first time I saw this movie I asked my Mom to take me to the store to buy some Vagisil. I think you have a pretty good idea how that turned out.)


Harry Doyle: One hit? That's all we got, one god-damned hit?!

Monte: You can't say god-damned on the radio!

Harry Doyle: Don't worry, nobody's listening anyway.

Ed. Note: In my head, this is what I imagine radio broadcasts of the Tampa Bay Rays or the Florida Marlins sound like.


Wille Mays Hayes: Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and run like Hayes.

Lou Brown: You may run like Mays, but you hit like shit.

Ed. Note: I think my high school baseball coach told me the exact same thing, except he told me I run like John Kruk after he got a free dinner at Ol' Country Buffet.


Harry Doyle: Juussst a bit outside. Tried the corner and missed.

Ed. Note: Just classic in every sense of the word.


Pedro Cerrano: Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.

Eddie Harris: You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.

Roger Dorn: Shit Harris.

Pedro Cerrano: Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.

Eddie Harris: You tryin to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?

Ed. Note: I still haven't made up my mind about this one. I've tried to picture the big guy upstairs in his robes and what not, standing at the plate and watching as his knees buckle while a Barry Zito 12-6 curveball goes past.

Honorable Mention:

"This guy here is dead!"
"Forget the curveball Ricky, give 'em the heater"
"Bartender, Jobu needs a refill"
"Who gives a shit, it's gone"


Nicholas said...

What about:

Hayes - "What language is this?"

Taylor - "It's french."

Vaughn - "They got chilidogs over there?"

TAylor - "Nevermind, I'll order."

Anonymous said...

What about:

Hayes - "What language is this?"

Taylor - "It's french."

Vaughn - "They got chilidogs over there?"

TAylor - "Nevermind, I'll order."

Anonymous said...

Rube- "Women, can't live with em', and they can't pee standing up...."

Anonymous said...

How do you not include Rube Baker on that list.....

Baker: "They're gonna send me back to Omaha and I don't even live there."

Baker: "Mamma said it is better to eat shit, than to not eat at all."

Anonymous said...

"Look Jobu, I stick up for you, I good to you, you no help me know, I say F*** you, Jobu, I do it myself"

Cerrano to his bat and Jobu right before he hits a dinger in the game at the end. I still love it.

Anonymous said...

Heywood: "How's your wife and my kids?"

Hayes: "What the hell league you been playing in?"
Vaughn: "California Penal."
Hayes: "Never heard of it. How'd you end up playing there?" Vaughn: "Stole a car."

Anonymous said...

What About:

Vaughn, you may be one hell of a pitcher, but you sure ain't much of a dresser.

We wear cats and sleeves round here.

Anonymous said...

Harry Doyle: "He'll need a rocket up his ass to catch that one; that baby's out of here."

Harry Doyle: "So a tough loss for the Indians as Pedro Cerrano doubles off a pigeon and is tagged out while administering CPR before the tying run could score. Funny game ain't it Monte?"
Monte: "Well at least the bird survived."
Harry Doyle: "Who cares? It's a rat with wings."

Harry Doyle: "Cerrano doing some interesting limbering up exercises in right."
Harry Doyle: [covers microphone] "What a pansy!"

Harry Doyle: "Dynamite drop-in, Monte. That broadcast school has really paid off."

Harry Doyle: "Humiliator, lined to left. Base hit. Eliminator, lined to right. Another base hit. There's some real puss lined to center."

Anonymous said...

Rube Baker: "Willie's really got some power."
Lou Brown: "Off a guy who'll be bagging groceries in a couple weeks!"

Rube Baker: "I never has a regular girlfriend like you, but I did get kicked in the balls once by a mule. Now, I thought that I would be hurting for the rest of my life, but you know what happened the very next week?"
Rick Vaughn: "What?"
Rube Baker: "My momma died."

Anonymous said...

It's too high. It's too high.

Too high???

Anonymous said...

Lou Brown: "Come on Dorn, get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this "ole" bullshit!"

Or I'd also say go with...
Dorn: "Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: 'Strike this motherfucker out.'"

Anonymous said...

1) Vaughn: "You want me to drag him out back and kick the shit out him?"

2) Vaughn: "I feel like banker in this thing."

jmendoz2 said...

"I look like a banker in this"

Anonymous said...

I just thought the trajectory....

Anonymous said...

I'm not much for correcting lists like this, but how was "I don't think this one has the distance, Rexy," (said by Taylor) neither on the list nor mentioned in the follow ups?

Anonymous said...

Harris (after Cerrano's offering to JoBu): "I wouldn't leave that rum sitting around here with this group." Always a great line while at a party.

Anonymous said...

From Major League: "We shoulda got him a live chicken."

From Major League II: "And thatt's the Trojan ENZ Boner Play of the Game."

Anonymous said...

the best one is clearly Pepper Leach saying "look at this f ucking guy!" when he first sees ricky vaughn

Anonymous said...

Haywood launches a drive deep towards South America. Tomlinson's gonna need a visa to catch this one...

Anonymous said...

"This guy is dead!"

"Well cross him off the list then."

Anonymous said...

I make the league minimum

Joseph said...

Jake Taylor: [to Rexman] Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, your team down a run and you've got the chance to be the hero on national television... if you don't blow it. Saw your wife last night. Great little dancer. That guy she was with? I'm sure he's a close personal friend, but tell me, what was he doing with her panties on his head?

[Rexman pops the ball straight up]

Jake Taylor: Uh-oh, Rexie, I don't think this one's got the distance.

Anonymous said...

You're seriously missing three classics:

"Up yur butt, Jobu."


"You tryin' to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?"

and ...

"It's too high."
"What do you mean it's too high?"
"It's too high."
"Who gives a shit, it's gone!"

Anonymous said...

"How's your wife and my kids?"

Anonymous said...

this is Major League quotes, not Major League 2 or 3 or 4. why not throw in some quotes from that guy from quantum leap?
those movies should never have been made, although 2 was OK, even w/out wesley snipes.

Anonymous said...

Classic that was missed:

Cerano in bottom of ninth of the 1-game playoff:

"Bring that shit to me" after Taylor was almost beaned for pulling a babe ruth and pointing to the stands...

Anonymous said...

Hpw about the Main Line in the hole movie.

Cerano: " I say fuck you Jobu I do it my self"

Anonymous said...

"The American Express Card. Don't steal home without it." - Willie Mays Hayes

"Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant." - Harry Doyle

"Ball 4, Ball 8, Ball 12" - Harry Doyle

"If you ever tank another play like that again, I'm gonna cut your nuts off and stuff 'em down your throat!" - Jake Taylor to Roger Dorn

"Tea anyone?" - Mrs. Dorn

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't really describe Zito's curve as 12-6. Ben Sheets has a true 12-6 curve ball.

Freddy the Mercenary said...

"In case you haven't noticed — and, judging by the attendance, you haven't — the Indians have managed to win a few here and there and are threatening to climb out of the cellar."

Harry Doyle

Deaner said...

I know it's not very quotable but one of my favorite parts of the movie is when the GM calls the manager to ask him if he wants to manage the Indians. He's working at a tire shop in Toledo and he mumbles:

"I don't know Charlie... Can I call you back? I've got a guy calling about some white walls on the other line"

Anonymous said...

"Mitchell Friedman???"

Brian said...

This can only be found on TBS or TNT, but my favorite quote is when Dorn comes over to Vaughn and says "let's cut through the crap Vaughn. I got one thing to say to you. Strike this [guuuuuuuuy] out!"

This is only on the TBS or TNT version, because in the real version, he doesn't say "guy", he says "mother effer". Except the word "guy" doesn't take as long to say, so the dub is long and drawn out and doesn't fit right.

That's my favorite. I hope there's somebody else who understands what I just typed. Otherwise this was a complete waste of time.

Probably was anyway.

Anonymous said...

I'm a ball player.

I know, but that's not why I came over here.

Well then why'd you come over here?

Because you are the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on, and you look like you could use a friend.


Anonymous said...

I think my favorite line is when Doyle passes out in the booth, and the other announcer (Marty?) has to take over.

"Fly ball... caught."

Anonymous said...

Heywood lead the American League in most categories last year, including nosehairs...when this guy sneezes he looks like a party favor.

Rob said...

Harry Doyle: "Vaughn, a juvenile delinquent in the off season."

Anonymous said...

Rube Baker does not belong on the Major League list. Major League II, absolutely, but they're two completely different movies.

This one was missed though:

Hayward: Hey Taylor, what are you doing up here?

Taylor: Ahhh, couldn't cut it in the Mexican Leagues.

Hayward: How's your wife and my kids?

Anonymous said...

I agree with the "Fuck you Jobu, I do it myself line" as being the pinnacle of the movie, but right up there with it:

Dorn: Let's cut through the crap Vaughn. I just got one thing to say to you. Strike this mother-fucker out!

How can that not give you goose bumps?

Anonymous said...

Bleacher bum: "not too high -- too hard, right?"

Serrano, after the Duke knocks down Taylor: "Bring that shit to me man!"

Taylor to Vaughn: "you're a celebrity now"
Vaughn: "I thought you had to do something good to be a celebrity"
Taylor: "not if you do it colorfully"

Anonymous said...

A major line that has been missing

Taylor: Well, I guess there is only one thing left to do....Win the Whole Fucking Thing!

Or From Coach Lou Brown: I'm for giving reporters a nice big shit burger to eat!

One of the greatest movies of all time!!

Anonymous said...

All these comments and nothing about the single best line in the movie??

Jake- "That ball wouldn't have been out of most parks"

Vaughn- "Oh yeah, name one."

Jake- "Yellowstone!"

Anonymous said...

What is it, chick?

That's my wife.

Does she know that?

Whose that guy she's with?

Want me to take him out back, beat the shit out of him?

Tone said...

As for #10, I'd be broke too, good one O. #6 was a classic line, I agree that nobody could have played Lou any better than he did. So O, did ya get the vagisil? Ya schmuck! #3 is classic shit too...."With your speed you should hit the ball on the ground. Every time you hit the ball in the air, you owe me 20 push-ups." Or something like that. Great shit. That clip for Vaughn @ #2 is one of the best, funny shit. HaHaHa, fuckin great. Jake - "Christ Harris, lets not start a holy war." Harris - "You know, I wouldn't leave that rum sittin ther around this bunch." Pedro - "It is very bad to steal Jobu's rum, It is VERY bad." or somewhere along those lines. That is one of the best movies of all time, not just sports movies. Great fuckin list O, "You man, You!"

Anonymous said...

Harry Doyle: "Juuuust a bit outside"

Anonymous said...

BROWN: Nice velocity.

PEPPER: Sounded like it.

TAYLOR: Sorry, Lou, I wasn't quite expectin' that much octane.


Baker said...

Doyle: Isn't (Heywood) a convicted felon?

Monte: It doesn't say that here.

Doyle: Well, he should be.

Anonymous said...

Yeah we have uniforms and everything. It's really great!