Monday, January 5, 2009

Top Ten Chicago athletes that should become Jack Bauer's sidekick

24: Redemption re-aired last night, and I, being a stereotypical American male, opted to watch that (again) over "Superstars of Dance" or "Desperate Housewives". This got me thinking that I would do anything to be Jack's crony.

Due to my lack of a chiseled body and a certainty that I would go at least #1 in my pants if a gun was pointed at myself, things probably wouldn't work. But Chicago has some guys who could probably not only fill the role, but succeed in the never-ending quest of defending America.

10. AJ Pierzynski

Strength: Takes a Punch
Baseball's most irritable player could be the type of character were looking for. And at the end of the day, once the terrorists are all apprehended, we know AJP will be in their faces making fun of the guys.

9. Mike Brown

Strength: Healer
Nobody has spend more time in the doctor's office during their career than Brown. At this point we have to figure that if anybody could fix a gunshot wound or a stabbing, Brown would be the first one we would go to.

8. Mike Fontenot

Strength: ???
I don't know what his strength is, and while I am not bashing him, how this guy succeeds in baseball bewilders me. And if you can survive on the ball field, you can make it on the battle field. Or maybe it's the other way around. Regardless, I know you all wanted him on here.

7. Ben Gordon

Strength: Marksmanship
Gordon is never afraid to pull up and just take a shot, something that could save Jack's life somewhere down the road.

6. Kyle Orton

Strength: Master of Disguise
This is simple. A bearded Kyle Orton looks like a 15-year-old going through puberty. And a shaved Kyle Orton, well, he doesn't look much older. But this ability to grow a disgusting facial hair could help him blend in the with locals.

5. Alexei Ramirez

Strength: Man of Mystery
How does a man as scrawny as he is hit 21 homers? Nobody knows, it is truly an enigma. His size could fit him into small corridors and ventilation systems.

4. Vinny Del Negro

Strength: Inspiration
He can't coach, so why else would he be sent in? His inspiration could help Bauer in stopping Baroos and his family from an act of US destruction.

3. Mark DeRosa

Strength: Versatility
DeRo has gone onto greener pastures known as Cleveland (if that's what you call them) and I really feel bad for Cubs fans that they have to see him go. It is hard to find a guy who could play five positions as well as he did.

2. Lance Briggs

Strength: Wheelman
See image above.

1. Ozzie Guillen

Strength: Translator
Have you ever heard him try to talk? If Ozzie was Jack Bauer's translator the break in translation wouldn't come from informant to Ozzie but from Ozzie to Bauer.

Honorable Mention:
Jerry Angelo: Negotiator