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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Top Ten TTCS Holiday party moments

Yesterday Barnes mentioned that the city of Chicago deserves “a TTCS-hosted party.” I couldn’t agree more. Not unlike what the Joker said in The Dark Knight, this town deserves a better class of Chicago based blog hosted holiday party... and TTCS’s gonna give it to them. The following will be the best moments from this party.

10. Location, Location, Location


Before we get into the moments, we need a place to party. Since TTCS is all about the class, we will need a place that represents this and the fact we are young, up and coming sports writers. Thinking about it, we are a lot like the Blackhawks. Therefore, we shall hold this wonderful event at the United Center. I got my first taste of the finer dining experience of the Ketel One Club and the lovely bartenders at Bar One a few weeks back. It is the perfect mix of high-end luxury that represents none of us, but is expected of one of the top 100 Chicago lists blogs on the web.

9. Danny invites sister and her friends; professional athletes win

When Danny first told me he had a sister, I was expecting her to be like him – nice, humble, alcohol free and really tall. However, when he told me she was the opposite, liked to booze and had hot friends, I new this could only lead to great thing... not for me, but for the proud sports athletes of Chicago. Now, since TTCS is so well respected, we must assume professional athletes will be there. The combination of sports stars and drunken girls has been the formula for most of America’s greatest “next day stories.” Below is one about Jordan.

I must assume this will continue. Sorry, Danny.

8. Freddy Church’s revenge

I don’t even want to venture a guess at what this will be. Whatever it is, it will be scary and deeply disturbing. I fear for the children.

7. Barnes gets sick, falls asleep, goes home

Phil seems to be sick a lot. I have a feeling that this will happen on the biggest night of the year for TTCS. I picture him drinking a gallon of NyQuil, nodding off after dinner in a booth and then asking his lady to drive him home. This may be a drastic exaggeration, but I feel like Barnes will come down with something at the most inopportune moment for him and TTCS.

6. Ricky passes out; gets messed with

There is a running trend when Ricky passes out around his friends. They either draw on him, shave him or get his things stolen by homeless men. Now that Ricky doesn’t have Sun-times shifts on the weekends, one must assume he will feel free to make it rain at the TTCS holiday part. I see Ricky double fisting bottles of Jack as he drops dollar bills on whatever lady happens to be walking by him, while he dances shirtless on top of the bar a la Kyle Orton. Once the Jack has run its course, he will pass out and then his friends will take over. Razor blades and Sharpe pens will be fast at work turning Ricky into a mustachioed, eyebrowless monstrosity. Also, they will somehow get a man off the street to rob Ricky as he lays passed out in the middle of the Hawks logo at center ice. Happy Holidays, Ricky!

5. Phillips gets Pax’s ear

I am not sure if Phillips will absolutely go off on Pax, try to explain to him who the next sleeper is in next years draft or challenge him to a three-point shooting contest, but I know it will be entertaining. I predict all three. First, he will yell at him for the disaster that have become the Bulls, then he will find some obscure MAC small forward that he is convinced will be the next Leandro Barbosa and finally he will take the former NBA three point stud to the court and start launching threes. Pax will win but not before Phillips builds a house with bricks. Ricky may also join as “all [he] does is launch threes.”

4. Kenny Williams comes dressed as Santa

The last couple months Williams has been in a giving mood. He has pretty much dropped a third of his team for next to nothing. As Christmas draws near, Kenny gets a little more of that spirit and just gives away Jermaine Dye and his pitching staff for Ken Griffey Jr. and the rest of the 1997 Seattle Mariners.

3. P-Kane ends up being the life of the party


The “Chicago’s greatest partier” torch is being passed. Orton has officially become a homebody. He has gotten married like a good QB and has even been the figurehead for a going green campaign. Robbie Gould and Chris Duhon have held the title for a little while, but have lost it in recent months. Well, Chicago, we have a new party legend and he is P-Kane. I have seen him around town a few times now and every time he is drunk out of his mind and with a new girl. He is literally that guy at the bar that makes you lean over to your friend and say, “whoa, that guy is effing drunk” as you spill a drink on yourself. I predict P-Kane will take full advantage of the Ketel One Club bar and end up leaving with a woman twice his age (38).

2. Ced Ben gets zamboni related DUI


A true NFL star does not learn his lesson. He continues to do stupid crap off the field until someone is forced to actually put that person in jail (see Plaxico Burress). I think Ced is ready to make the “Pacman” Jones-type leap into superstardom. The first step will be to get him drunk. Now, I have never intentionally gotten a guy drunk, but I feel like I have had the proper training to get this done. I will start him out slow with a Bud Light, but quickly move him into Jaeger bombs. From there he is a zamboni key set away from making it his third driving inebriated related arrest in under six months. Now Ced will officially be available to do a driversselect.com commercial with Deion Sanders.

1. Olsen gets back at Giangreco


In the first month of TTCS, we had our first radio nod. It was on the Waddle & Silvy show on ESPN1000. Their guest was Mark Giangreco and he completely bashed Olsen’s top ten list that day. When we heard his bashing, we vowed to make him enemy number one. Since that day Olsen has been biding his time, waiting for the right opportunity. The TTCS party is the perfect time for revenge. Olsen will get a hold of Giangreco’s drink. That will be the last time we will see the sports anchor for the night, as he will be spending the rest of the night in the restroom, feeling every little bit of Olsen’s calculated revenge.

Edit note: Since I have no self-awareness I didn’t make fun of myself. I need you, fine commenter, to make fun of me in the comment section. Go at it, be brutal, wreck me. What stupid thing will I do to make the party that much better (or worse). The best comment will be highlighted in my post next week. Do work.


BobbyStompy said...

1) Dark (K)night

2) What's the Mark Giangreco story? What list did he bash?

Anonymous said...

Dubs drinks a Ginger Ale w/ cherry juice and eats a mini-weiner wrapped in bacon and realizes, being from a school on the North Shore, (New Trier)) he must love other men.

But, in denial, he starts to date a girl from Northwestern for a cover, but she soon realizes that he can only get it up when talking about Tim Tebow, money or the Chicago Cubs.

Poor bastard.

Zach Martin said...

@ Bobby

This one: https://toptenchicagosports.com/2008/02/top-ten-guys-who-did-dirty-work.html

Rick said...

The #1 moment of this party will be when Pete shows up. First, there will be a cordial greeting between he and Dubs, everything will be running smooth. But after a few Ginger Ale w/ cherry juice's, Dubs starts to get mouthy, as always, and begins to make fun of Pete for his incredibly lame AIM screen name (peaches054?).

After five minutes of sitting on his anger, Pete tells Dubs he will "straighten his head out", and Dubs, never one to back down from a fight against a guy approximately eleven times his size, agrees. The ensuing one sided slug fest leaves Dubs a bloody mess on the ground, and right before he passes we hear him say, "my....my...my...trust funnnndddddddddd."

/end scene

Phil Barnes said...

I laughed in a library, very funny list.

Phil Barnes said...

And our Sun-Times contract ends......now. Haha

Freddy said...

Ricky. Best. Comment. Ever.